Ask Dr. Gys Q & A
I am a 45-year-old mother of three. I also have two stepchildren. I am currently working in Saudi Arabia because my current (second) husband cannot care for me financially. His two children live, work, and study from the home I pay for. Of my 19-year-old twins only one, the boy, lives in our house, as well as his 15-year-old brother. My 19-year-old daughter lives with my ex-husband and has obtained her driver’s licence. Her brother, on the other hand, sits at home after quitting his part-time studies. According to him, he doesn’t have time to get his licence. My husband is 54 and we have been married for six years. His only possessions are a stand with no house, and two paid-up policies. It feels like I am looking after everyone, while nobody cares about me.
I have been a widow for fifteen years and have three adult dependents. In 1998 I met a man whom I broke up with a number of times. He contacted me again at the end of last year. He made all kinds of promises and I believed that he would not disappoint me again. However, he began avoiding me after two months, and I found out that there was another woman. I ended the relationship, but went back to him and begged for another chance. I still love him, but I want to get on with my life. Over the past eight years he has been involved with any number of women: often as many as three at the same time. What should I do?
I got divorced last year on September 11. I have two lively little boys and live with my parents, who support me immensely. I suffered severe financial loss. I feel angry, betrayed, and deeply hurt. My ex has already moved on with his life and in with his new guinea-pig. I devote my life to teaching my boys the values of God and providing them with stability. Why do I feel so helpless, useless, alone, and even recalcitrant towards God? I know that He is in control, that His time isn’t mine, and that He will send me someone suited to me. Still, I sometimes feel that I am not quite under control emotionally. I want to become whole again, and not repeat the same mistakes.
I had to get married 23 years ago and have two wonderful sons. Three years ago I had a one-time sexual encounter with my employer. I didn’t tell my husband about it right away. I repented and asked God to forgive me. Recordings of office conversations my husband made after the incident caused him to become suspicious. He confronted me and I told him, but not everything. We have since twice been for therapy. The first psychologist disappeared off the face of the earth after a few sessions, and the second one blamed our problems on work stress from the word go. My husband constantly accuses me of being a tart, insults me, and threatens me with the recordings. He has been an alcoholic since his parents died and is almost completely impotent. Am I naïve in my belief that love conquers all and that we were put together for a reason? What is my next step?
We raised our children with lots of love, supported by the framework of a strong marriage of 24 years. After many years we found out that, as teens, they accessed our safe and found some private items of our sex life (nothing extraordinary). Our eldest now uses this as leverage when he is in trouble with us, threatening to tell people about it. According to him, we are proffering a “so-called innocent” life. I feel humiliated, but am also worried. What inner turmoil did they suffer, and what opinion did they form about sex and their parents? I feel such a failure. It is as if all the good things we taught them have now been undone by this one incident.
It took a lot of courage for me to write this email. I am a 23-year old teacher who will be getting married to my dream man at the end of the year. The Lord couldn’t have chosen a better partner for me. Nevertheless, I am incredibly jealous. If I don’t do something about it and quickly, there won’t be a wedding! The worst part is – I don’t know why I feel like this. I immediately get cross and become quiet if my fiancée as much as talks to another woman. I hide it well, but want to die on the inside. I can see that I am making him unhappy. I am at my wit’s end, hate myself, and am desperate for help.
I have been divorced for two years now, after a marriage that lasted 22 years. I am still struggling, though. My ex was a wonderful husband and father. He holds a senior banking position and has an MBA as well as three other degrees. Since the divorce, he has had very little contact with our son (21) and daughter (16). The third party in our divorce is a “Barbie doll”. Apparently, my ex drinks a lot and has even been admitted to a clinic. I still love him very much. His behaviour towards the children confuses me: he becomes emotional in front of them and has confessed to them his uncertainty about his relationship with the Lord. Could this be a spiritual attack? I don’t believe that someone can change just like that. I know that I should pray, but sometimes I want to help him. Any advice?
I was happy in my job until a colleague attacked me over a wage issue. I reported the incident to the police and resigned until the matter was resolved. My employer was on holiday at the time of the incident. On his return, it was requested that I forgive my colleague and continue working. No disciplinary steps were taken. Two months later I was shouted at because I wanted to discuss the option of lunch breaks (which we don’t get). I resigned and am currently working my notice period. The person I began training as substitute has already beaten the retreat. Now they want me to stay until I have trained someone new. I want to deal with this matter in the right way.
I am 28 years old and lived with a man for four years. He was estranged from his wife, but not divorced. He beat me and abused me emotionally. On New Year’s Day he almost broke my neck. I fled to my parents. I started seeing him again on the sly when he placated me with promises of how he had found the Lord. My mother was very sad when she found out. She convinced me that he would never change and I terminated all contact. I even gave my cellular phone to my mother.
He sent threatening messages and said that I had destroyed his marriage. I laid a charge of assault against him and got a protection order, but I feel guilty. It feels like I’ve hurt him. On my phone I receive sweet messages, but he is still threatening my mother on hers. Sometimes I still SMS him to leave me alone. Please help me by assuring me that he won’t change.
I am 25 years old and still live with my mother (50) and sister (30). My father committed suicide when I was nine years old. My mother has said for years that he died of heart problems, but I know that they had a fight on the morning before his death. After his death, I was never allowed to go anywhere or visit any of my school friends. My life is still hell, since nothing much has changed. If I go out with friends, it’s a fight from dawn to dusk. I recently met a man in a chat room, and only see him on weekends. I have a nine o’clock curfew, and if he takes me out or with him to church, my mother or sister fight with me about it. My sister has threatened to shoot me and is always going through my things. If I mention moving out, they threaten me with suicide or say that they will have my employer’s practice closed down by spreading rumours about her. I urgently need some perspective, because I become furious whenever I look at them.